the funeral

it's been a long and tiring week.  i went up to NY for the funeral, a crazy 36 hours.  it was a nice funeral, very different from my mother's.  the difference?  my drama queen s/in/law was not there - so it was calmer, more appropriately subdued, and more emotionally connecting.  i didn't realize the type of energy she brought and how disruptive it was until she was absent.  this was the first experience i had with her siblings that was pleasant - because no one had to spend time either avoiding or reacting to her.

i stayed at my brother's, and had a chance to enjoy his family, including a wonderful niece.

my father's funeral was nice - with dignity, respect and love.  the rabbi was great and i think my father would have been pleased.  it was what it should have been, a tribute to him. i'd almost not flown up, afraid it would be like the horror show that was my mother's funeral.

i had the opportunity to see my mother's grave marker, which i hadn't yet seen.  it will be for both mom and dad.  it has a saying in latin over the top of the marker - "love conquers all", and that is a fitting tribute to the two of them. they had a great many challenges to face.  i think my father chose the saying, although it could have been the two of them.

and now, just now, reality is beginning to sink in.  he's really dead, they're both really gone.  it's not emotionally accurate, but at 55, i feel like an orphan.

Goodbye

My father passed away this morning, after a lengthy illness.  I feel very sad, still, kind of like in slow motion.  In fact, that's all for now.

Mother's Day

there's not a much odder feeling than being a motherless daughter on mother's day.  many women in this position are mothers themselves, so it's still a very meaningful day.  i make jokes about it, but being the human mother to animals just doesn't conjure up the same emotions.  and this year is just a touch more uncomfortable because of my father's health, and the possibility that he won't be around for father's day.

it's a day calling out for me to somehow create...something.  to do something with the isolation that kind of conquers it.  right now, today, i don't have a clue what that would look like.  i think i'm doing good by keeping in touch with people, acknowledging the mothers among my friends, calling my mothering aunt to wish her a good day....

my partner is in the same emotional place and she is doing things similar to me, and every now and then we pull ourselves out of our separate spaces and meet in the middle. later we'll spend the evening together and that will be good.

motherless daughter who are also not mothers.......a hard category for  day like today.

The Slow Goodbye

My father is slowly moving forward in his leave-taking.  He's far more somnolent than he has been, less responsive to external stimuli, erratically eating and drinking ( if at all).  He has an infection that is not responding to antibiotics, and the terms of his Living Will make more aggressive treatment off-limits.  He's been in a sort of suspended animation for over 3 years - but some new insult to his body happened recently and he's not bouncing back.

It's better this way.  He has minimal quality of life, takes enjoyment in nothing, does not respond directly to any talking, does not instigate goal-oriented behavior.  I believe (or I want to believe) he wants to be with my mother, who passed on a little less than 5 years ago.  He told me many times after her death that he was supposed to go first, bewildered at those times.

I love my father - and I want him to pass from this world to the next, because all that's here for him is a kind of hell on earth.

Good Health, Good News

for the first time in over 6 years, my partner has had two consecutive positive blood work-ups, three months apart.  you see, she has a mysterious, as-yet-undiagnosed blood disorder characterized by seemingly contradictory symptoms.  the first is blood clots in both her lungs and legs. this has happened four times and led to lengthy ICU stays.  often instantly fatal, we've been incredibly lucky.

the second is tenacious anemia, low hemoglobin.  this has led to extreme fatigue, mental haze and the like.  more times than i can remember she's had to undergo anywhere from 4 to 6 week courses of iron infusions.  she's also had blood transfusions.

so, one symptom is about over-coagulation and the other is about barely enough to even clot.

the illness has changed our lives drastically. rarely can we spontaneously go off on some small adventure, even a movie - it's now all about her energy level.  i do quite a bit more of the cooking, cleaning... household chores.   on the other hand, it's deepened our level of intimacy dramatically.  her illness has caused me to take better care of myself, because two sick people in the house REALLY doesn't work well.

four months ago, she finished with a 6 week course of iron infusion.  the doc had her come back a short time later for blood work up and the levels looked good.  so she sent us off for 3 months without any blood work (an eternity, comparatively).  my partner went in today for her three month check up and the levels are not just good, but even a little better than months ago.  holding steady is a  major triumph!!

WomenStrength

Just a few months ago, women were piling up against Obama - not a good sign as women traditionally vote more for Dems than Repubs.  Now we see the tide turning and the numbers have flipped, with even moderate Republican women considering voting Femocratic.  Why?  Well, it seems the Republican re-born obsession with controlling women's bodies is turning women away from whatever potential ticker might exist.  Both Santorum and Romney have made idiots of themselves trying to out-do each other when it comes to limiting contraceptives, making roe v wade more and more meaningless and in general intruding greatly into the personal lives of American women.

These are the same folks who want no part of government touching the lives of ordinary Americans - however, apparently intrusion into reproductive organs has never been more popular in the party of elephants.  Santorum in particular is throwing out line after line about how families should be run, women should stay home and home school, no pre-natal testing..........................the guy hasn't come up against a family issue for which he doesn't have the perfect solution.  Whereas he and Romney are neck and neck in the polls, more polls are showing the seismic defection of women away from their party, particularly in the all-important demographic of ages 34 - 56.

Thank God!!

A New Casulty

Olympia Snowe, longtime Republican Senator from Maine, has decided to resign.  She cites the intense hostility in Congress as the main reason.

This is a big loss.  She was a rare creature in the Senate. Pro-choice, pro-health care, a Republican moderate.  She played well with others, reaching across the aisle.  Yet she was being hounded daily, in D.C. and at her Maine home, by the Tea Bag Party elements.  She wasn't __________ enough.  Just fill it in with anything.

What a sad commentary, yet we all knew it was happening.  Been happening.  What sane person would want to be an elected official these days?  I listen to the Republican debates and I cringe at the personal attacks.  It all starts with accusations of being a flip-flopper.  Well, if my ideas and beliefs haven't evolved between the ages 20 and 40, or any ten year time period, just shoot me now.   Yes, there are basic beliefs that don't evolve, but many do.

Take the war in Iraq.  At the time, it was a near unanimous vote - the President and his boss (Dick Cheney) said there were WMD there.  There weren't.  But how many people even grocked to the idea that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.  Lots of people came to regret their votes, and regret their support of the war as it dragged on.  But it's still brought up - as if an evolving idea is somehow a character flaw.

Would you like to run for public office, open yourself and your family to the near-delusional scrutiny that comes with the process?  I know I wouldn't.