Sunday, November 27, 2011

Solving a Thanksgiving Mystery

every year i do the same thing at thanksgiving - go to my in-laws.  except for the years i chicken out or get "sick".   usually, though, i go.  the first one was 28 years ago.  the sister-in-law told jewish jokes at the dinner table stating she heard them from the doctors she worked with..  she obviously doesn't know what everyone else seems to - members of a minority group (and i am jewish, and gay) can make jokes about the group, but others cannot.  connie knew i was jewish.  to say we got off to a bad start would be an understatement.  to my mother-in-law's everlasting credit, she defended me, and a rift was created that lasted quite awhile.  i was happy my m/i/l took up for me, but not about the rift, having come from a family full of rifts.

after a couple of years, we went back - they being the only local family either of us had.  connie's been nicer, and i've always been guarded.  and she's also not been so nice.  one year, i answered when she made her annual invitation call.  being a decent baker, i offered to bake a pie, really wanted to contribute.  as a reward, i was uninvited, connie stating she just didn't "feel comfortable".  second rift.  my partner's mom had passed on, but my partner took up for me and she didn't go either.

then invited back again.  you can see why some years i just didn't go.  this year i actually felt stronger about going - one of the nieces had lost a daughter earlier in the year and i wanted to be supportive.  the kids have always been nice to me.

and it was this niece that showed me why i'll never fit in.  i tried to pick up some empty plates and carry them into the kitchen. the niece very nicely stopped me and insisted she take the plates, that i was a guest.  and that's when the lightening bulb went on - after 28 years, i shouldn't be a guest, i should be seen (in an ideal world) as family.  and i'm not.  actually, figuring this out feels good, it helps me understand why i've felt guarded.  so i don't have to be anymore.

Saturday, November 12, 2011


Is it really been a week since my last post?  Time flies, having fun or not.  Been reading, nothing terribly original or challenging, but better than the constancy of the Idiot Box.     I did, however, become a constant viewer of Oprah Winfrey's Lifeclass, which was kind of like Oprah's Greatest Hits.  She went through her shows and grouped together those that supported a single lesson, life view, etc.  One that stood out to me was "when people tell you who they are, believe them".

I have tended not to believe people, as often what they'll say is a negative attribute and we're trained in this culture not to support negativity - but people often know more about themselves than they might be aware of.  I have a friend who used to say the following about herself:  "deep down inside i think i'm really superficial".  i used to think that was a clever use of words, until there was a crisis in our friendship and she simply stopped returning my calls.  The crisis?  According to Janet, i wasn't paying as much attention to her as i usually did and it went on for months. It took me awhile to figure out the timeline - yes, it did, for the first few months after my mother's death.  At times I wonder what it was 'really' about - then i decided it was about exactly what she told me.  She's not that complicated.

Oy vey!

Friday, November 4, 2011

The complications

This is cervical spine surgery - the way it's typically done is by going in front through the voice box, which makes one sound awful for several days.  A 'few complications', like my left hand feels like it's on pins and needles since the surgery - a week ago.  The doc says it will go away.  Maybe it will, but it hasn't.

All in all, I feel very lucky.