Tuesday, September 27, 2011

In Memorium

Four years ago today, my mother passed away after a short battle with an overwhelming cancer.  So very many other losses and challenges tumbled out after her death!  It was more than two years later before I could fully catch my breath, look around, and feel the landscape might look the same on a continuing basis, and it did and it does.

My family winnowed down from five to two.  My father suffered a massive stroke that has rendered him helpless.  One brother's rabid homophobia erupted, unfettered now by parental disapproval.  One brother, sister-in-law and niece remain blessedly normal and connected.

I miss my mother.  I miss our talks, shopping trips, I miss her sense of humor.  I miss her.  It's amazing how things happen.  The family just fell apart.  I wouldn't have pegged her as the glue that held the family together, but she was, probably equally surprising to her.  And I was shocked to see how much she and my father held my eldest brother's venom in check.  He went in a flash from  someone I knew to someone unknowable, his face and voice twisted and warped by spoken hatred.  I have no idea who or what I symbolize to him - I just know I will never share common space with him again.

One major blessing - I have no regrets concerning my mother.  I said everything I wanted to to her, and I believe she would say the same about me.  That is uncommon grace.

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