85

today is my father's 85th birthday.  or was.  he died in mid-may.  the last birthday he was aware of was a sad one.  it was his first birthday without his wife.  mom had died about 9 months earlier.  we did what we could to take his mind off of it, but to little avail, which was understandable.

june used to be a happy and busy month in my family, what with father's day, his birthday and their anniversary.  it also was a time when we kids were broke, trying to keep up with the presents and cards.  funny what you remember.

i wasn't close to my father when i was young, more focused on my mother.   i didn't feel loved by him, actually didn't feel he loved his kids.  that all changed when my sister died, when i was 21.   my father was a broken man at the funeral.  oddly, that's when it struck me - and i had this very thought: if he's crying so much for heidi, he must love us.  i remember being overwhelmed with love, as well as some guilt for having doubted it.   funny what you remember.

i also have happy memories, but it's just a sad time right now.  happy birthday, Dad.