my father's 85th birthday would be sunday, june 24. then my folks anniversary would have been june 26th. just anticipating the days are riling me up. but what's so weird is he hasn't really 'been present' for those days for several years - so what's the deal this year? i guess that he's actually dead. four years ago i wanted to fly up and visit him on their anniversary, the year after my mother died, before his massive stroke. and he didn't want me to. i think i reminded him too much of my mother. i think my oldest brother also played a role. he (the brother) was full-boar into his homophobia by then. and my dad let it influence him, and that really bothered me. dad wasn't influenced by ken's hatred for me when mom was alive, but he was much more vulnerable after mom died.
in those 16 months between when mom died and dad had his stroke, much changed. i was up there a lot after mom's death, too help with her things, and to help with dad. slowly, over some time, dad withdrew from me. the thing we both had in common was mom, and now she was gone. but ken was there, and he was influencing dad. it got to be really sad. i missed my father before he was gone, before he was to be missed. ken infected dad with some anti-louise virus. do i sound paranoid? it's actually the truth.