it's an astounding number of years - almost twice as long as she lived - today is the 33rd anniversary of my sister's suicide. it's a day that was agonizing for me for many, many years. now i feel a muted peace.
heidi was made up of many parts, some of which were dark, pained, suicidal. but she was also smart, funny, a good athlete, a good clarinet player - a good sister.
losing someone by suicide leaves many questions. it's only with time that i can appreciate that they will never be answered, not only this plane. i make up my own answers, based on my perspectives at the time. the questions and the answers change. one thing is unchanging - i always know i had a sister. when asked how many siblings i have, i still hesitate - is the right answer 2 (my two older brothers), or is it 3, because she lived, she did indeed live for 18 years.
when i made a post on FB about my loss today, my best friend from h.s. told me she still thinks of her often, and reminded me that she is buried near my friends grandparents. suicide touches so many people, even people who only know of her, but never knew her.
i am glad both my parents are at peace now, out of the earthly guilt they felt for the rest of their lives. perhaps in some mystical way, their souls have all touched. a nice thought. i also hope that when my time comes, my soul and my sister's will touch. a very nice thought.