A Sad Milestone

Dear Mom,

It's been five years, today, since you left.  And I miss you just as much as I did when you first died.  Now that Dad is also gone, well....I may be 55, but I still feel like an orphan.  I get some comfort thinking the two of you are together, along with Heidi - that may not be what I'm supposed to believe, but it's what I do believe.

There are things I've wondered about that only you can answer.  Who gave you the heart necklace and why was it hidden in your drawer?  What was up with the cork collection?  I don't even know how you and Dad met, what you did on your first date.  I must have asked, you must have told me, but I don't remember.

That last visit we had together was so sweet.  You were so tender, and so vulnerable.  I came away with no regrets because you said what I needed to hear, and I said what I needed to say.  Nothing remained unspoken.  Do you know what an enormous gift that was?  And I hope you felt gifted.

All my love,

Louise

take a sniff

the air is alive with the smell of politics, isn't it?

everywhere i turn i see headlines, about romney's 47%, obama's latest poll numbers, ryan's latest lies and biden's latest gaffes.

today mitt romney said he wanted to be president of 100% of americans - oh, so that includes the 47% he basically called a waste of skin? and then today he flips again, saying something positive about "gay domestic partners".  that's the re-emergence of the alleged moderate romney who governed massachusetts.

also good news - elizabeth warren is beating scott brown (MA), tammy baldwin is ahead of tommy thompson (WI) and michelle bachmann is in danger of losing her congressional seat.

there is still a long way to go, however. and the debates are coming up fast.  they should be good for obama, however, as great an orator as he is, he'll have to crunch his words into 2 and 3 minute segments.  how fast is he on soundbites?   but mitt has so much ground to make up for it's hard to see the debates as advantageous to him.  he's allergic to 'spontaneous' (unless it's a dinner party at $500,000 a head).

oh yes, it's looking way better than expected.  today.

Mom's birthday

today is my mother's birthday.  or, it was. no, i guess it still is, though she's been gone for several years now.  i saw her shortly before her last birthday with us.  terminally ill, she was bed-ridden and on powerful pain killers.  but she  was most definitely present.  i'd bought a gift for her, still not quite understanding it would be my last birthday gift to her.  it was a beautiful ceramic lion - bright colors, a great facial expression.   she loved animals, real ones and others as objects d'art.  mom had a huge collection of animals made out of all sorts of material - most of them are here with me, all around my house.

i also picked up a bottle of bailey's irish creme, her favorite drink.  she wasn't supposed to drink alcohol while on morphine, but who cared. as my father and a nurse's aide looked on aghast, i poured some into the sippy cup she was using, poured a little for myself and we drank a toast to her. she had a wonderful smile on her face as she tasted the liquid. i hope it was a good high.  i miss my mother.

republicans have center stage

competing with hurricane isaac, we now have the republicans in tampa trying to soften their image as a shrill and negative force.  ann romney spoke of her husband as a human, not the robot that's been on the campaign trail for eons.  she told diane sawyer she doesn't get nervous while speaking in public except when she has to talk about her horse.  so we know mitt is not a horse.  tonight the primetime treat is paul "no abortions" ryan.

gone is the talk of draconian medicare cuts, the abortion plank in the party that eschews abortions even in the case of rape and incest.   nowhere is there a disparaging word for immigrants or welfare recipients.  it's like the last few months of heated rhetoric hadn't existed.  except of course for barack obama.  obama's role in this convention is to play the boogeyman, the master of all things evil.  such is the nature of nominating conventions.

tomorrow night we get to see a kinder, gentler mitt romney, trying like crazy to harden the support for him, still tepid despite all efforts.

the republicans have their work cut out for them. supporters of ron paul almost took control yesterday - now those people actually feel passion for their candidate, a passion that mitt's millions can't buy.

the republicans are beset by internecine fragmentation, with standard republicans at odds with the tea party.  the tea party - a group of people and elected officials proud of their unwillingness to compromise.  and who is their standard bearer?  why, paul ryan, a wolf dressed in sheep's clothing.

and in the background is hurricane isaac.

a boon to obama supporters

paul ryan is a sure bet to boost the democrats. with his anti-seniors, anti-women policies, he'll drum up support for the democrats. sure, he'll excite the conservative base - let them have him!!  and running with gaffe-meister romney will derail any presidential plans of his own for some time.  romney is sure to keep making a fool of himself (another overseas trip, pu-leeeze!) and that will fall all over ryan.

he's anti-choice, anti-medicare and pro-severe austerity (goodbye school lunches for the the needy).  ryan would uphold tax cuts for the very wealthy.

the worst thing about paul ryan? george bush came out in support of his choice.

thirty-three years

it's an astounding number of years - almost twice as long as she lived - today is the 33rd anniversary of my sister's suicide.  it's a day that was agonizing for me for many, many years.  now i feel a muted peace.

heidi was made up of many parts, some of which were dark, pained, suicidal.  but she was also smart, funny, a good athlete, a good clarinet player - a good sister.

losing someone by suicide leaves many questions.  it's only with time that i can appreciate that they will never be answered, not only this plane.  i make up my own answers, based on my perspectives at the time.  the questions and the answers change.  one thing is unchanging - i always know i had a sister.   when asked how many siblings i have, i still hesitate - is the right answer 2 (my two older brothers), or is it 3, because she lived, she did indeed live for 18 years.

when i made a post on FB about my loss today, my best friend from h.s. told me she still thinks of her often, and reminded me that she is buried near my friends grandparents.   suicide touches so many people, even people who only know of her, but never knew her.

i am glad both my parents are at peace now, out of the earthly guilt they felt for the rest of their lives. perhaps in some mystical way, their souls have all touched. a nice thought.  i also hope that when my time comes, my soul and my sister's will touch. a very nice thought.

odds & ends

it's the 50th anniversary of marilyn monroe's death - and she seems more alive than ever.  she died at age 36, and could not forsee the world's enduring fascination with her, or the enduring mystery. were the kennedy's involved in her death?  was it what it seemed - an overdose?  she seemed to try so hard to gain love, intimate as well as the public's.  what would she make of her enduring fame?

i'm enjoying the olympics mightily.  missy franklin, michael phelps, venus and serena, gabby douglas. stunning performances.  the guy with the cyber legs. andy murray, from GBR, winning the tennis - putting an end the england's enduring misery of a lack of tennis success.  and it's only halfway over!!

my deeply loved aunt had to stop getting the new york times, a newspaper in her dna.  my brother and i gifted her for her birthday this year with a subscription for fridays - sunday's,  after 3 false starts, today she finally started getting it.  she's so hard to gift with anything, a very proud woman. but the sun and moon and stars aligned and we had a perfect opportunity, so we took it.  and today she began getting it.  it feels so good to know we could do something for her, after a lifetime of receiving from her.

not the most fascinating blog, but felt like writing.....