Wednesday, May 30, 2012

all over the place

so many things i didn't think.  since my dad had been the victim of an overwhelming stroke for almost 3.5 yrs, i thought i'd feel relief for him when he passed.  i did - but i did not expect the level of sadness i myself feel.  i figured i'd gotten used to him being gone.  i think more likely, i harbored some hope he'd 'wake up' and be himself again.

i didn't expect this whole feeling-like-an-orphan thing.  mom's been gone 4.5 years - but seriously, how can one be an orphan at 55?!  yet i'm told it's a very common feeling.  i figured i'd feel relief that they were, to me, reunited now - and i do - but i feel left behind.  and not very compassionate for myself.

i know now i'll remain part of a family with one brother, yet not with another.  and i don't know abt the two of them remaining close at all.  in most families, the parents are the unifying forces.  and the parents are gone.

i feel in 100 pieces all over the place.


  1. Louise, I'm so sorry about your dad. My father died of heart failure, due to Alzheimer's a few years back. He had been living with the disease and its effects for over 20 years. Although I had lost him many years before he died, I was overwhelmed by my grief when he finally passed. It was so final.
    Take good care of yourself, you deserve it.